P s 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 
Shelf 72sf..N235 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 





A FARCE COMEDY 



« IN THRKK ACTS, 



BY 



DICK NAYLOR. 






1895 

Hopkins & Co., Printers, 

GAI.VEST0N,[TBXi^8. 





i 



A FARCE COMEDY 



IN THREK ACTS, 



BY 



DICK NAYLOR. 



^'*^, 



V/Zi 






NoTK — Anyone found playing this Farce Conietly without the authority of the 

author, cither under a different or orig-inal title, or piece cut, will be 

prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 



1895 

Hopkins & Co., Printers, 

GALVESTON, TEX 48. 



,t.^ 






Entered according to an Act of (iongresa in the year 1894 

By I. B. NAYLOR, 

In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

COUNT VICTOR DE BRACE UP— Out for a wife, not particular 
so she has money. 

MR. MIKE O'DONET— Out for the "Muggles Bay Improvement and 
Air Transportation Company." 

COL. CHAS. PENNEFEATHER— Out from Texas to please the 
girls and have a nice time. 

A. TIRED FEELING I .rr. . . ^ , , .... 

A. WEARY THOUGHTS (Twms)— Out for a "soft snap." 

MAILMAN— Out for a fight. 

LITTLE JOHNNIE— The Prodigy of "Ye Mullberry Inn." 

ISABELLA PENNEFEATHER— A Lady of Uncertain Age but Cer- 

tain Wealth. 
LULU FIELDING— Full of Mischief. 
ANNIE FIELDING— Full of Life. 
CLARA MASON— Full of Fun. 

BELLE PENNEFEATHER— Full of something bui hard to tell what. 
Messenger Boys, Waiters, Musicians, etc. 



SYNOPSIS. 



ACT I — "Ye Mullberry Inn." The Muggles Bay Improvement and 
Air Transportation Company. "We curse you, we do, so we do." 

ACT II — The Old Farm. A day in the country. "It is a picnic, a 
soft snap." 

ACT III— Muggles Bay. Off for Texas. "Dumped, coldly dumped!" 



For reference to Properties, Stage Settfngs, 
Specialties, Costume*, Etc , see last pages. 



A SOFT SNAP. 



ACT I. 
Enter Count. 



Count 1 see er ze place is alone, ze ladies have taken ze walk [taking 
seat] I have seen er ze funny people but these er beat them all. 
Ze ladies all think er me love them, [laughsj Ha! ha! ha! I 
think er they full of er ze ice water or ze bean soup! Ze ladies 
go in ze bathing, like er to take er ze bath, like er ze water, 
wear er ze fine big bathing suit! I make er ze whole bathing 
suit with er my pocket handkerchief. [Begins to read paper; 
Isabella, who has been in bathing, enters, dressed in ridiculous 
bathing suit; the Count looks up; asidej Here is ze beautiful 
vision, ze fine figure, [coughing and looking over paper] Ahem! 
Ahem! 

Iss. [Uttering a scream] I did not know you were here, Count, 
Do not look at me, I'nj so shy. [Places hands over face and 
runs into bath house in ridiculous manner. | 

Count [laughing] Ha! Ha! ha! 8he is so shy; she make er me laugh. 
She is no shy. When she come out she ask er me if she look 
ze nice in ze bathing suit, if I tell her she look like er ze rake, 
she scratch er my eyes out; if I tell her she look er ze beautiful 
ah! she call er me, dear count, [whisile heard] Ze mail man. 
[reads paper; enter Mailman, blowing whistle very loud, blows 
it three or four times in the Count's face, bus. and shouts 
"Mail!" very loud; throws letters in Count's face. 

Mail. Take der mail, see! [Walks off in tough way] 

Count [Surprised] I think er ze man craz! He take er me to be 
deaf. I have er ze great mind to kill er ze man. [rising] No — 
I wait till er ze next time and if he no like er me, to kill er 
him; I kill er him anyhow, [looking through mail] Noth- 
ing for me? Ah; they have stopped er sending me ze bill, 
[opening letters] If nothing for me, I make er ze something. 
I read er anyhow. It is a chronic disease; I cannot help it. 
Ze doctor tell me I must er read all I can; I cannot er find 
anything to read er here, so I read er ze letters, [reads] Well, 
I cannot er help it. [throwing letters behind scenery] I do as 
ze doctor tell me. [sees letter on floor] Ah, another letter, 
[picking it up] To the charmont vision, [opens it] I must 
read it also, [reads; bus.] "Dear Aunt Iss.: The chickens 
are laying eggs and the hogs are fat." [aloud] Ze hogs are 
laying eggs and ze chickens are fat. Zat is startling news, 
[reads] "The cook has got corns and she won't make any more 
tarts. I wish you would come home." [aloud] This is rich, 
[reads] "I went fishing the other day and dad licked me. I 
miss you so much. Dad says Mr. Thompson loves you cause 



6 A SOFT SNAP. . Act I 

you got so much money." [aloud] Ah' ah! so she got ze plenty 
money. I let ze Irishman have all ze yonng ladies and I 
take ze charmont vision, [reads] "So look out for Mr. Thomp- 
son" [aside] Ah! [reads] "I send love to you and so does 
the cow. Your little nephew, Willie." Ah, she has got er ze 
money. I will win her heart and get er all ze money. [The 
window in the hotel goes up and O'Donet looks out in peculiar 
way; Count looking up] Ah, ze crazy Irishman, [ducks head 
behind paper] 

O'D. [Looking out window] Sh ! 

Count [Imitating] -h ! 

O'D. [Laughing in peculiar way] Ho! ho! ha! ha! he! he! hi! hi! 

Count [imitating] Ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he! hi! hi! [Enter O'Donet 
from hotel] 

O'D. [Looking around] The place seems deserted. 

Count [Offended] Yes sare, yes sare. You are deserted, deserted 
sare! 

O'D. [Walking to Count] Say, look here, Frenchy, don't make any 
more noise like that. 

Count Sare, sare. You speak to me like er that -S'ap^rasfi. [dignity] 
lam ze Count de Braceup. 

O'D. Oho! is that what ye are me fine duck, [snapping fingers in 
Count's face] I don't care if you are the Count de Braceup or 
the Count de Bracedown. Go soak your head, [walking off] 

Count [Very indignant] Me! Me, sare! Me soak er my head. You 
take er me for von sponge? 

O'D. Go on, go on; I'll sit on you. 

Count Sit on me' You must be crazy, [with dignity] I am ze grand 
writer. 

O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! And is that what you are, are you? 
You sweet little thing, [patting Count on back] Head waiter, 
you mean. [imitating] What will you have gentlemen — 
coffee, steak, ham sandwich 

Count [Very angry] Sare, you lie! I have er at me home, me palace, 
many waiters. [At his side] I no like er this. You 
ask er me to come here on ze beach, you have er something 
to tell me. You tell er me to soak er my head, I am er ze 
waiter, [up to O'Donet's face] You take er me f >r one nicker- 
poop? 

O'D. ['Poohs'' in Count's face] So it is, you are. you frog eater. 
[to Count's fice] I'hi^i is what [ have to tell you If ever I 
see you making love t,o Mis.s Mason again, I'll throw you in the 
bav, do you heir? [Snaps fingers in Count's face] 

Count [Indifferentlv] I make love to Miss Mason? [nearing bath 
house, laughing] ' Ha! ha! ha! I love er ze beautiful young 
lady ze aunt. 

O'D. [Knocked out] You love er ze beautiful young lady ze aunt? 
[laughs] Ha! ha! ha! Her face would make butter, [scream 
from bath house] 

Count [Puzzled] Make er ze butter, make er ze butter; her face 
make er ze butter? No, no, it is von mistake, [to O'Donet] 
You mean to insult ze lady? [Isabella looking from behind 
bath house] 



Act I. A SOFT SNAP. 7 

O'D. You had better take ^ bath. It will do you good. 

Count [Excited] You will take er ze bath! I kill er you! I fight er 

you ze duel! 

O'D. [Grasping Count and sh iking him] You frog-eating — you 

Count Let er me go and I kill er you now! 

Iss. [Advancing and screaming] Count! Count! do not throw away 

your life. [Enter Colonel and stands on hotel steps] 
Col. Stop that Isabella, you might injure your lungs, [to Count 

and O'Donet] Go it, boys, and if yoa need any help call on me. 
Tss. [To Count] My dear Count, wash your hands of this affair. 

Do not kill him tor my sake. 
O'D. [Releasing the Count] Yes, let him wash his hands — soap's 

gone down, so it has. 
Iss. [Giving O'Donet a look] You horrid, horrid man. You are 

real naughty. 
Count [To IsaV)ella] Fair and most beautiful lady. [Isabella tittersj 

You have save er his life. [bus. ai-ranging his clothes] I would 

have kill er him sure, [bowing] Let er ze matter drop. 
Col. [ lo O'Donet] Why didn't you give him a good one in the neck? 
O'D. [Taking Colonel's arm and walking back] The hospital is 

crowded, Colonel. [Exit r] 

Count [Walking to seat] Pardon me, I forgot er ze letter, [handing 

letter] I opened it by mistake. 
Iss. [Coquettishly] Some old beau, no doubt. [Aside] I wonder 

what he thought of my new bathing suit. 
Count Ah, you take er ze nice bath this morning. 
Iss. [Tittering] Yes, I had a most delightful bath. How did I 

look in my new bathing suit. 
Count [Aside] What I tell you, eh? [aloud] Ah, my dear young 

lady, you look er beautiful — scharmont — like er ze lovely 

vision, [bowing] 
Iss. [Lovingly] Oh, you dear old thing, you are so nice. 
Count You take er ze walk this morning? 
Iss. [Aside] We women have such power over these men. [aloud] 

Yes, dear Count, it will do me good and we can find the girls. 

[enter Colonel and O'Donet r] 
O'D. Yes, dear Count, take a walk, but don't fall in the water. 

[Exit Isabella and Count, r, 4th e] 
Col. And take care of your health, Isabella, [to O'Donet] They 

are a jolly couple, Mr. O'Donet, 
O'D. So they are, Colonel. That Frenchman is going to die standing 

up some of these days. 
Col. Has he the heart disease? 
O'D. No, I'm going to break his face. 

Col. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! How long will you be here Mr. O'Donet. 
O'D. About a week longer. 

Col, I'm going home this week and would like to have 3 ou and the 
" rest here pay me a visit and see Texas. 

O'D. Well, Colonel, I-^ 

Col, No excuse, air, no excuse. I won't have it. 

O'D. [Aside] Been looking for something like this for some time. 

[aloud] All right. Colonel, if I mupt, I must. 



8 A SOFT SNAP. Act I 

Col. The girls are giving a picnic to-morrow. Will you join us? 

&T). Why certainly. 

Col. What is your business, Mr. O'Donet? 

O'D. I am a capitalist, sir, a capitalist. I am now interested in a 
gignatic speculation here. 

Col. What! here in Muggins Bay? A very fine field. What is the 
nature of the speculatiQU? 

O'D. It's a grand thing. Colonel — I'm the president of the whole 
concern. We are going o have the east-^rn portions of tlie 
place made into a parl^ and aline of air cars connecting with 
the city l)eyond. [pointing back] 

Col. Have you made any commencement? 

O'D. We issued bonds, one hundred dollars a share aud the man 
who buys ten shares will be made secretary of the company. 

Col. What is the name of the enterprise? 

O'D. [In one breath] The Muggleri Bay Improvement and Air 
Transportation Company, [another] Nice thing. 

Col. Have you made the rolling stoolc? 

O'D. No, not as yet, but we have the air and a thirty-yard sign, all 
painted and stretched on the grounds. I would like to make a 
deal with you, Colonel — sell you some stock, you'll never regret 
the money — in three years it will double itself. 

Col. I'm rather dubious about these things, [shakes head] I am 
rather dubious. 1 took some siock in a thing once of this kind, 
but when I went to look for my property, [ found it [O'Donet 
looks up] on top of a mountain — perpetual snow, cool place, I 
admit, but didn't fancy it much. 

O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! That's pretty good. Colonel. But 
this is a square thing — t^xpect to make millions out of it. Like 
to put you down for some stock. 

Col. Are you sure it's square? 

O'D. As sure as I'm here. 

Col, I'll try ten shares and see what it will make me [looking 
around] but upon one condition, do not say anything to my 
sister about it — Isabella. She is very rich, you know. [O'Donet 
looks surprised] You know how the women folks are about 
these things, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! [pushes O'Donet in ribs 
with thumbs] Ha! ha! ha! 

O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good, pretty good. Colonel, 
[slapping Colonel on back] I'll make you secretary, I'll make 
you secretary, [button-holes him] Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good. 
Write me out a check for a thousand aud I'll hand you the 
stock at the supper table, [voice heard off, "Fish!" bus.) Ha! 
ha! ha! Pretty good, pretty good, Colonel. 

CoL [On steps] All right, I'll have the checks for you in a few 
moments [Laughing] Ha! ha.' ha! Now mind, nothing to 
Isabella. [Laughing] Ho! hoi ho! These women, these 
women. [Exit in hotel] 

O'D. [Walking front] Dumb as an oyster. That's all right, this 
check will pay my board for nine months. [Laughing] Ha! 
ha! ha! Oh, no, I won't say anything to Isabella about it. not 
on your life. If the company busts I'll give him the air and 



Act I. A SOFT SNAP. 9 

sign to play with. I must pull bis leg again, [taking seat] 
So the old maid is rich — pretty slick dog, that Frenchman, but 
I'll fix him. Her beauty, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! that reminds 
me. [song; walking back and looking off] Here they come 
back, must have changed their mind. If that Frenchman goes 
through any of his monkey business, I'll throw him in the 
water [hiding] Must keep my eye on this fellow, [enter 
Count and Isabella, talking; r, 4th e] 

Iss. And you really have this fine opera written? 

O'D. [Aside] He's working the play racket on her. 

Count Yes, I have er ze grand opera — sixty people — five acts — beauti- 
ful — fine music — grand, grand opera! I kill er twenty men 
in ze first act. 

Iss. [Seating herself] Grand! grand! 

Count Yes, very grand! I have five er men in love with ze same lady. 

Iss. Five men? — how nice. 

Count Yes, five er men, all love er ze same lady. It go er like this, 
[strikes attitude] 

O'D. [Making funny noise] Hel he! hi! hi! 

Iss. [Looking up] What was that? 

Count [Surprised] I think it was ze turkey — in ze back yard. 

Iss. Turkeys? Turkeys here to eat? 

Count No, no. Only keep er them for the zoological garden. 

Iss. Go on with your play, dear Count. 

Count Ah! that er make er me happy to hear you say that. You like 
er to hear my play? 

O'D. [Aside] St. Peter! I see right now I'll have to kill the French- 
man, [looks around for something] 

Iss. Yes, I would like to hear it. [titters] It's grand. 

O'D. [Aside] I'll fix him. [moves across stage to hotel; exit in 
hotel and looks out window] 

Count I will act er ze grand opera, [position] Ze first act opens with 
ze bridge. Ze hero is standing on ze bridge, [pointing] Ze 
bridge is here, ze clouds are here, ze heavens are black and full 
of ze thunder and lightning. Everything is still, ze hero does 
not move, he look in ze water. All at once a maiden come on 
ze bridge. Ze hero do not see ze maiden. Ze maiden do not 
see ze hero. She look in ze water and utter one shriek and 
jump in Ze hero see her floating and shouts "be brave and I 
will save you!" Ze maiden is sinking and ze hero see it. [slow] 
He take off his hat, he take off his coat, he take oflF hisvest, le 
take off his, [bowing] excuse er me, lady, he take off his pants, 
[Isabella screams] he take off his shoes, [under window] He 
get on top of ze bridge and make er von big leap. 

O'D. [Aside] With his socks on. [Isabella becomes excited; backs 
to hotel] 

Count He fall in ze water, [very tragic] He swim to er ze maiden 
and is about to catch her when something comes over him. 

[hands up] He [O'Donet here looks out window and 

shoves hat over Count's head; Count walks around in ridicu- 
lous manner] Damn it! 

O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! 



10' A SOFT SNAP. Act I. 

Count [At hotel] I get er you! I [enter Colonel; bus. in getting 

hat off. 
Col. Well, Count, I see you are dressed for the Mardi Gras. Nice 

disguise, no one would know you. 
Count [Angry] Ze Irishman — I kill er him! [Isabella screams; 

laughter heard; enter girls;Count bows] Ah, ze charraont young 

ladies. 
Iss. Why, girls where have you been? I've been looking for you 

everywhere. 
Belle Auntie, we had the nicest time. Didn't we girls? 
Girls Oh, delightful! [enter O'Donet; bus. with Count] 
O'D. The giddy, giddy creatures. [Belle throws something at 

ODonet and laughs; Clara throws a flower at Count and the 

Count is about to laugh when he catches the eye of Isabella 

and stops; the other two girls go to Isabella] 
Col. What have you been doing, young ladies? 
Belle Been strolling down the beach, [placing arms about Colonel's 

neck] The Count taught us a few steps this morning, and 

we've been practicing at the pavilion, [dancing a few steps] 
Col. [To Count] How dare you, sir, instruct these ladies to dance 

without my permission, [angry] I won't have it! I — I 

O'D. Give him a soaker for me. Colonel. 

Count I beg er ze pardon. Monsieur Colonel. Ze young lady ask er 

me to show her how to dance. I like to be polite, eare, so I 

show her ze dazant — 
Iss. That's right Chas — I heard Belle ask — 
Clara Oh its nothing, Nunky. 

Belle [Kissing Colonel on head] What a silly old Daddy. 
Ann. Why it's nothing, [kicks and all duck heads] It's fine, [dance] 
O'D. A poem of motion. 
Belle [Stiff] Thank you. 
Col. Young ladies, you should first tell me of these things. 

[tr) Count] I'll excuse* you, Count. 
O'D. 80 will I, Count. 
Iss. Do not leave me. Count. Remain. 
Count [Bowing] Do not fear, dear lady, I will be er with you 

always, [pointing to O'Donet] I will kill er ze gentleman. 
Iss, [Holding Count] No, no, spare his life! 
O'D. Yes, spare my life, dear Couut, and when the ladies leave I'll 

throw you in the bay. [noise heard in the hotel] 
Clara [Excited] I wonder what the noise is? Do you hear it, IVIr. 

O'Donet? 
O'D. Do you think my ears are filled with cotton, Miss Mason? 
Lulu [Excited] I think some one is having a fight, [voice heard 

to say. Fire! fire! murder! murder! thief! thief!] 
Col. Must be a fire, [excited] The hotel is on fire. 
Belle All my things will be burnt up. Save me, Mr. O'Donet. JFalls 

into O'Donet's arms] 
Ann. And mine. too. [falls into O'Donet's arms] 
Girls [Scream and fall in the Colonel's arm] 
O'D. [Holding girls] Say, Frenchy, bring the bay up and I'll put 

the fire out. 



Act I. A SOFT SNAP. 11 

Iss. [Tragic] Count, my dear little monkey will be burnt up. 

Save him. [falls in Count's arms] 
Count [Placing Isabella on settee] You have er me life, benutiful 

lady. I will save er ze monk, [starting for hotel] Show me 

ze room, [on step] I — I [enter two tramps in a rush. 

Ist tramp — A. Tired Feeling; 2d tramp, A. Weary Thought; 

upset Count; bus.] 
1st T. -ave nie, 1 have been robbed, — [all recover and listen] 
2d T. Here in hrnad daylight, Ive l>een robbed, — [All crowd around 

them] 
Ist T. I was reading in my room and had reclined to take a nap on 

my sofa, — 
2d T. When all at once I heard a noise, — [All become excited] 
Ist T. And before I could get up, some one ran in my room, — 
2d T. Seized my watch took all the money out of my vest, — 
1st T, And dropped these pants, [both weep, bus,] 
Iss. Horrible! horrible! 

Col. Did you see him? Can you describe him? 
Belle Which way did he go? 
Clara Did he have a moustache? 
Ann, Was he a blonde or brunette? 
Lulu Was he handsome, [bus. of tramps looking from one to the 

other] 
O'D, [To 1st T.] Say, young fellow, which way did he go? 
Count [To 2d T,] Show him to me, I kill er ze man. 
Ist T, [Excited] I have been robbed of all I had, 
2d T, Even took my last best suit. 
Both We shall seek the police. 
1st T, I have been robbed, I say, 

2d T. And I think I know who it was, [all cf owd around] 
All Who? 

Ist T, [Looking around] Sh! sh! 
2d T, [Walks to front on tiptoe, all follow] Do you see these pants? 

[holds them up; business of Ist Tramp going through the 

Colonel's pockets] 
All Yes, go on. 

Ist T. [Very mysterious] These pants fit, fiit — 
2d T. A man, |bus.] 
All Oh! [walking away] 
Ist T. I think he must have taken them from some of your rooms. 

[all shake heads] 
2d T. [To Colonel] Are they yours, sir? 
Col. No sir, not mine, 
Ist T, [To Count] Are they yours? 
O'D, No, he has only one pair. 

2d T, [To Isabella] Are they 

Iss. [Screams] You horrid, horrid man! 

Girls [All scream; Little Johnnie enters and stands on hotel steps] 

T.'s Then they are mine, mine! [hugging pants] 

John. Sieze those men! 

T.'s There he is now. 



IS A SOFT SNAP. Act II. 

John. Not much, [coming down] I'm little Johnnie, the prodigy of 
Ye Mullberry Inn. 

Col. Sieze him, I've been robbed! [all make a rugh for them; 
music; the two Tramps rush in hotel; all follow; then out win- 
dow; Little Johnnie, r, Count, c, and O'Donet, l, stick heads 
out window at same time; sash fall? and holds them; bus. in 
squeezing the Count] 

Ist T. We curse 3 ou, we do, so we do. 

2d T. We've been treated cruelly. 

Both And we will never work again, [weep bus.] Tra la la. Tra 
la la. [bus. at window, Count, O'Donet and Colonel] Ge zoot! 

CURTAIN 



ACT II. 

[jAil discovered shucking corn; singing, instruments lying near themj 

Iss. Why, Charles, I never knew you could sing? 

Col. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! Me? I can't sing. It was the 

Count or Mr. O'Donet. 
Count [Rising] No, ladies, I am afraid you er poke fun at me. 
Belle It was Mr. O'Donet. 
O'D. I admit it was all me. [rising] 
John. [Rising] Making the noise, [coming front] Ladies, if you 

wish to know [bus.] I did the singing. 
O'D. Yes, sing-singing, [bus.] 
Clara [Pail in hand] Who's going with me? [all make a rush for 

her] Now, I don't need everybody, [bus.] 
Lulu Yes, two can carry the pail. 
Ann. And we will stay here. 

Col. Never mind, all can go. I'll look after things. 
O'O. Well, Colonel, if you remain I'll stay and keep you company. 
John. [All rush back] They're off ! [all exit with a rush] for Gutten- 

water. [Exit 

Col. [Looking off l] Jolly set, that, [waving hand] 
O'D. The kind I like. 
Col. [Coming down c with O'Donet] I haven't heard anything 

more of the Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transportation 

Company. Anything the matter with it? 
O'D. Oh, no. Everything is sailing fine, [aside] And it's only good 

for sailing, [aloud] have some improvements under contem- 
plation now. 
Col. [Rubbing hands] That's good! that's good! Keep it up and we 

will make something out of it. 
O'D. [aside] Yes, a fish pond. [aloud] Whose place is this, 

Colonel? [looking around] 
Col. It belongs to the management of Ye Mullberry Inn. Sort of a 

truck farm, I believe, for the hotel. 
O'D. [Walking to well and leaning against it] Raise everything 

here I judge? 



Act II. A SOFT SNAP. 13 

Col. Yes. that old well is nearly filled with corn. Sort of a bin. 

O'D. Corn? [looking downl How does he get it out? 

Col. It has an underground connection, I believe. Seems from all 
I can learn, the place once belonged to some moonshiners, 
[enter Count from l] 

Count Excuse er me, gentlemen, but ze charmont ladies ask er me to 
go to the locomotif station and get er some boxes left there 
this morning. 

O'D. You know where they are. don't you? 

Count Yes, but ze charmont ladies said you will go with me and help 
er carry ze things. 

Col. Now you see what it is, Mr. O'Ddnet, to be popular, [laughs] 
Ha! ha! ha! 

O'D. Well. I expect I'll have to go. 

Count [Stiff] Yes sare, it is von honar. 

Col. [Walking back with Count and O'Donet] Don't mind me gen- 
tlemen. I will amuse myself until you return. 

Count [Walking off] Bon jour. Monsieur. [O'Donet shoves Count 
off; bus.] 

O'D. Ruse voir, Colonel. Resevoir. [exit following; bus.] 

Col. [Looking off laughing] Ha! ha! ha! How I wish I had that 
pair in Texas, [walking down] What a fine thing I'd have to 
draw to. [comes front and sings song] At last I have a chance 
to read my letter, [sits] Those girls, those girls. Why tl: ey 
don't give me time to eat, hardly — but it's just like girls, you 
can't expect anything better, [opening letter] Nothing would 
do but I must bring them to Muggles Bay to have a nice time, 
they come and they've had it. [reads] Colonel Charles Pen- 
nefather, Ye Mullberry Inn, Muggles Bay. Dear sir: — Will 
advise you by wire on the 16th about the Muggles Bay busi- 
ness, [aloud] Why that's to-morrow, [readsj But to be on 
the safe side do not take any more stock, [aloud] Just like 
my brother; he thinks everything of this kind no good, [reads] 
Would suggest that you return upon receipt of wire — we need 
you here. Texas is on a boom, [aloud, rising] That's good 
news, but I expect the girls won't like it much. Well, I've 
invited all their friends to come so I think they can stand it, 
[walking back and looking off] Have a Muggles Bay at home. 
I wonder if it takes everybody this long to find water? [walk- 
ing off] I must hurry them. This air business, [lost exit l] 

[Tramps stick their heads out well, look about in peculiar manner 

and then down well; bus.] 
Isi T. I don't like to sleep on corn, it's too risky. 

2d T, I do, it makes me whiskey, [both jump out, bus.] 
Ist T. [Walking around] It looks like a picnic. 

2d T. [Opening basket] Its a soft snap. [bus. eating; noise heard off; 

both become frightened and fall in each other arms] 
Both [Standing A noise! 
1st T. [Looking up in flies] 'Twas the wind. 
2d T. I only wish it was the wind, [wine] 
1st T. [Walking around in quick way; business] 
2d T. [Stopping him I Do not exerciiie that way, it will hurt you. 



U A 80FT SNAP. • Act II. 

Ist T. This is the labor movement. [both do the labor movement 
opposite; circle about and come down front for song, "'A Soft 
Snap;" then each takes off shoes and lays them side by side in 
centre of stage and fasten strings from scenery] 

1st T. [Walking back and looking off] Footsteps approach! [the 
shoes of both comes to them; bus.] Conceal thyself, Weary 
Thought, [hands ragged coat, bus. J 

2d T. And thou the same. thou Tired Feeling, [bus. in handing 
his coat: both put shoes on; each take a half of tuck plank, 
hang it across top of well; close tight in centre. Dive 
over well, through well and after whole business dive down 
well; plank closes again; enter O'Donet with two small boxes] 

O'D. [Looking off ] I see the Colonel got tired waiting — if he waits 
for that Muggles Bay Transportation Co. to develop, he'll get 
very tired, [coming down] It's been water too long to be any- 
thing else, [throwing boxes on seat] Two feet more water 
since I sold him the stock, [laughing] Ha! ha! ha! That 
crazy Frenchman, if he waits for that other little box, he'll 
want to fight it ze duel, when he sees it. [bus. with boxes] 
I'd be kind and take two and he would only have one [laughs] 
Ha! ha! ha! [rising] If he can only live till he gets here, 
[noise heard off] and let the Colonel see him. [noise heard and 
Count enters laboring with very large box] 

Count You play er me ze great trick, [wiping face] 

O'D. I know you found the parcel light. [Count tries to unloosen 
box and it pulls him flat on seat] 

Count [With thud] Yes, very light. 

Q'D. Now it is, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! [Count has untied box and 
laughing comes down front and he and O'Donet sing; enter 
Girls. Colonel, Isabella and Little Johnnie] 

Belle [To O'Donet] We got the water. [Count walks to Isabella.] 

Col, They had forgotten all about the water, Mr. O'Donet. I found 
them looking for bird's eggs. 

O'D. Did they find any? 

Ann. [Looking in pail] Why, Nunky, there is no water in the pail, 
[bus. with Count and Isabella] 

las. Count Victor and myself can bring some. 

Col. Never mind, Isabella — we won't have time. 

Count [To Colonel bowing] Have er been speaking to your charmont 
sister — 

Iss. Yes, Charles, the count has consented to recite some of the sec- 
ond act of his grand play. 

O'D. Count there are no doctors here. 

Count [Very indignant] Sare! [bus. with Isabella and Count] 

Col. Remember your age, Isabella. 

Iss. [Taking seat] This is what it is to be single, Count [sighing] 
Ah me! [All make a rush for her; bus.] 

Count [On knees] Ze charmont lady I have er nothing but my grand 

er play and this poor little heart. [Arises indignant.] 
O'D. [Kneeling on other side] Accept me, I own the — 
John [In front] Have a cracker. 



'^'" ^^^ A SOFT SNAP. j^ 

'"■ tto='r^ 00^- oiir""^ '-'^'^^ ''-'' "^^0 -' °f -" -<i 

Tif' '"'^e?"mei;orn. [back againj 

A [Rushlns; to well screaming] Wh-,t was that? 

Iss rh» I P^ !^,''' ""'• ''"' ['" f>'^'b<'"»] I« evervthing ready 
Om.nt pR • ri^ has promised to recite his play fo,' us. ^' 

Count [Bow,rg.] Yes >t ,s very fine, kill er flfte'en men in ze first 

"'"■ 'Fr^'m^bTctlurr •^" '''''' "^ -">-e-earrya 

' Lnminf ^ rT V°" ''° ''■' ■'"" ^"^ «'■''"'' >"'"''^- I &<=' er ze com- 

K nTremenSfZd'""""'"] J ""' F"' "' y" '"^ies and 
gentietnen the third scene of the second act where the viUian is 

ZC'tVelhrf ."t- ^,^""S,' ^"^ yo" hate trke'h 
Mom me! Wretch! but I will er have er my revenge You 

it ' rr ri!'i ™;i'^«.."."''^ ' "^"^ - ".- er yZ not™ 



i"fbel,l^""b 's nr' "' ^« "'r. ' -ve eVze^d v!^ L oVk^ t' 
1 aneila bus.j She er must er be my wife. [Isabella ulaces 

kfe "ze r-^ M T*^^" IF^dling ba^k] You shoot er me doTi 
UKe er ze dog— Me! ze only man she ever loved! fPullinff out 
handkerchief] This is too much er for me. [Rain fa] "vLps 



Iss, 



to die [bull Ah! [Pistoi sho .] V v God- rStaleri/.T"? 
am er shot. [Bus. of Isabella] If 1 "can er but refo «' .e 

am'^^ve Tst"'''°"'\'-^ V '^l ""'^ reach erzehoi'sel 
s^n he wh.r ^^'^ "« '" ^*" "'"^ '^"'1 t" head.] I will er 
soon be where you can not er reach er me. fMountine well I 

I [fall Tn vv^lTb ^^T^ K^"" ^,^''y y""- [Steps rpllnkj 
clea pT.ic *" '^^ to we,^ look over, having front sidi 
cieai J^ lag comes up "They're off" 

neck"] ^ ^ ' """' ^'^' ^°""^- f^^g "N^^l^ ^"d 

[Tramps drag in Count from back; his clothes are all torn, hat 
, smashed in and very delapidated] 

Trms'^^wi" ^P"T. ^^"'-'^ ^^^^^"^ f^i"*« i^ Count's 
arms, Colonel makes rush for tramps and they dive down well] 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

ACT III. 

Isabella discovered .eated on settee, asleep aad snoring horribly, 
with book in her lap and parasol over her head; enter 
girls on tiptoe 
Girls [bus.] Sh 

Belle Say, girls, [looking around] won't Auntie give us the mischief? 

LsnoreJ 
Lulu I don't care if she does, [snore] 



16 A SOFT SNAP. • Act III 

Clara I'm so sorry we have to go home, [snore] 

Ann. I wonder whei'e Auntie is? 

Belle Let's find her. [looking ai-ound] Sh I'll bet she's with 

the Count. 

Girls Sh Sh [all tiptoe front, Belle in the lead and 

when they hear her snore, laugh] 

Girls Sh Sh [bus.] 

Belle How she snores. 

Clara What a noise! 

Ann. Horrible! [noise heard off ] 

Lulu What's that? [bus.] 

Belle [Walking back and looking off] Say, girls, it's the Count! 
[all run to her] He's coming this way. 

Clara Where can we hide? 

Lulu [Running to hotel] Here! Quick! [all hide; Isabella lets 
book fall from lap on floor at her feet; enter CountJ 

Count [At back] Ah, ze charmont ladies, I think 1 hear er them 
smile, [walking front] I hear er ze noise, [snore] I cannot 
think it is. [snore] Ah! [perceiving Isabella and placing 
finger to nose] Ze beautiful vision! Charmont! Devine! 
[snore] Ah, such er ze gr.iceful pose, [snore] Such er eyes 
and such er nose, [snore] Little bitsy feet. [Isabella shoves 
foot out* And such er ze beautiful mnuth. Ah, 1 have er ze 
thought! Grand! I kiss er ze aunt! She is er ze sleepy 
[snore] and make er love me. [laughter from girls] Ah! [l)us. 
looking around] I must er be er mistaken, [tiptoes back to 
fronlj 

O'l). [Entering with Colonel] The thing is [perceives Count 

and stops] 

Count [Looking at Isabella] One divine kiss, [tiptoes to Isabella] 

O'D. [Aside] Frenchy is up to some of his tricks, [to Colonel] Come, 
Colonel, [tiptoe to hotel and look out window] 

Count [Bending over Isabella] Now or never, [snore] Sweet lady, 
[stoops to kiss her; all from hotel cry, ''Ah!" Count looks up] 
Ze same er noise, [snore] Ah! [looking at Isabella] Ze 
beautiful lady, [stoops again' to kiss her and all cry, "Ah!" 
Count looks up stage] That er ze funny, [then back to Isabella; 
all from hotel enter on tiptoe] It is ze wind, [stoops to kiss 
Isabella again but she awakes; Count picks book up from floor 
in time and hands it to Isabella; bus.] Allow me, dear lady, 
[bus. with all; "Oh!" and take places] Ah! [looking up] Ze 
ladies and gentlemen; [bowing] just in time, just in time. 

O'D. Right you are. 

Col. [Laughing] Yes, just in time. 

Iss. [Rising] Why I really believe I've been asleep. 

Belle I really believe you have, [to rest] Wasn't she? 

Clara I should think she was! 

Col. And snoring, too. 

Iss. [Indignant] I snore? Why^ Charles, how could you say such 

a thing? I never snore. 
Belle Only when you are asleep, Auntie. 
Count Yes, ze beautiful sleep. 



I 



Act III A SOFT SNAP. 17 

Iscs. Why, Belle! 

Col. [To Isabella] Have any telegrams come for me Isabella? 

Iss. I haven't seen any, Charles. 

Col. You all had better be getting ready, the boat will be here in a 
few minutes. 

O'D. [Looking av watch] Oh there's plenty of time, Colonel. 

Count [To Colonel] I have er ze idea. 

Iss. [Pleased] Let's have it, dear Count. 

Count [BowiugJ That is er ze reason I come here. [buF.] Ze pro- 
prietor wishes to know if you like er some fruit for ze lunch, 
[enter Little .Johnnie with basket] 

John. Hello girls! [all rush to him] Not so fast, [backing back] 

Iss. [Coming up to Johnnie] Never! Never address us young ladies 
that way again, [bus.] 

Ann. Just because you know us for two weeks, [bus.] don't think we 
belong to you. 

John. [Pushing them away] I didn't mean anything. Sure enough, 
I don't mean anythmg. You look so sweet this morning. [All 
look pleased] 

Belle Now, Johnnie. 

Ann. Yes. Johnnie, we 

L. J. How do you get your lips so red, paint em? [bus.] 

Clara Sir how dare you — 

Ann. Yes how dare you — 

Count Wait — I kill er him. 

Col. [In front of Count.] What have you got Johnnie? [looking in 
basket] Something to eat? 

L. J. Yes, tripe, [to girls] Do you like tripe girls? 

Girls [Advancing] Sir! 

L. J. Well if you do you can take some with you me. [holds 
up tripe] You see this is funny tripe, [throws it on floor] 
When I sing it will follow me. [sings and tripe follows him 
in hotel; looking out window] I'll leave you a piece, [throws 
piece on settee] Tra la la girls take care of yourselves, [exit.] 

Girls You horrid thing, [follows him in hotel.] 

Col. Have some tripe, Isabella. 

O'D. Help yourself, Count. 

Count Sare! 

Col. [At hotel.] You had better get ready, Isabella. Come on, Mr. 
O'Donet. [exit in hotel.] 

O'D. [To Count.] Don't forget your pants, Frenchy [exit.] 

Iss. I hate you! [following] Don't mind him, Count, [about to go in 
when Count detains her; bus.] 

Count Dear charmont, Isabella. 

Iss. [Aside.] I wonder if he will propose, [aloud] Count did you 
speak. 

Count [Taking her hand.] I have er something to tell er you. [leads 
her to settee, L. J. looks out window, bus. with tripe.] Some 
thing I have er wish er to tell you a long time, [on knees] I love 
you. [through this speech bus- with knocking tripe away, L. 
J. hangs it over Count's head] I love er you. [knocks] I love er 
you with er my whole little heart, [knocks] Will you be er 



18 A SOFT SNAP. • Act III 

mine. [bus. with tripe — damn or ze tripe] Will you er be m-- 

sweetheart — ray sweet liitle wife, [rising.] 
Is8. Count, this is so sudden, my heart has never beat so before. 

[placing hand to heart.] Will you ask my brother I am so un- 
sophisticated. 
Count [Taking handj I love er you like er ze mocking bird love er 

ze pegeon, [bus] no, I mean er ze pegeon ze mocking bird. I 

love er you —say just de von little word. 
Iss. [Aside.] A.t last! What joy! What ecstasy! [aloud] I suppose 

I can't refuse you I am yours. [Sinks on his neck; bus.] 
Count [Aside] Ah. I got er her now. [aloud] You will always love 

er me? 
Iss. [Raises head, sighs and throws arms around his neck; bus.] 

Always! 
Ct«unt [Mak ng face] I must ask er her — now is ze time, [puts false 

lips on mouth; bus.] Will you give me von little kiss. 
Iss. [Raising head.] How can you, Count? 

Count [Aside] Yes, how can E. [aloud ] Only one little bitsy kiss. 
Iss. [Aside.] Oh such ecstasy, [feels Counts mjuth, bus.] I must 

shut my eyes, [aloud.] You can have one. Count, only one. 

holds up mouth; [L. .T. hangs tripe over their heads; bus., lets 

it drop and they kiss it; bus., both get up from seat; bus.] 
Count [Angry] That er damn tripe again, [both rush in hotel.] 

Note — From this point the day can begin to fade very slowly and 
soft music can be heard from the hotel, waiters cross to and fro. 

Enter Tramps suddenly: bus. 

1st T. Do you see anything to eat? 

2d T. (Walking to hoteQ Nothing, not even sawdust. 

1st T. I can't stand this much longer. I long to rush the growler. 

2d T. We need a change of climate. 

1st T. [To settee.] They want a man to work here, [sits, bus.l 

2d T. [Seeing tripe] Food at last! [holding up tripe.] 

1st T. Euchre, [eureka.] 

2d T. It's tripe, [disgusted.] 

1st T. I pass, bus.; [both try to eat it.] 

2d T. Take a hand. [They try to break it but it stretches, they put it 
between knees, back to back and try again, when they have 
stretched about ten feet let go and knocks them both over, bug] 

Ist T. That's a snap, [looking at tripe.] 

2d T. Yes a soft snap, [noise heard.] ., ,, 

Both Again to sedusion. [hide.] ^ ' ',' 

Enters Belle on hotel steps. 

Bell These girls are too slow for anything, [coming down] and 
there's that Mr. O'Donet, he giyes one no rest, [music starts] al- 
ways asking me to love him. [stamping foot] Well I won't 
that's all. [bus., song, at close of song, enter O'Donet from 
hotel.] 

O'D. [Holding her, bus.] There's no use, I've got your father's con- 
sent and you will have to be mine. 



Act III A SOFT SNAP. 19 

B>.41e [Breaking way] How about mine, [at hotel stepsj 

O'D. [Following] Now, I know you won't r fuse, will you? [bus.] 

Belle Wait until you get to Texas and I'll tell you [exit in hotelj 

O'D. I leally love that girl, [enter messenger boy] 

Mes. Iz yer de Kurnel? [to O'Donet] 

O'D. Message? [reaches for it] 

Mes. Iz yer de Kurnel? 

O'D. [Going to hotel] Wait and I'll get him for you. [exit in hotel] 

Enter Tramps; pantomine with messenger boy. 

T.'s Message? [both hold out hands] 

Mes. Go on wid yers. [both at side] Iz yer de Kurnel? 

1st T. This is the Colonel, [pointing to 2d Tramp] and I. [pointing 
to himself] 

Mes. Police! [both tramps disappear; enter Colonel] 

Col. Message for me, young man. [Coming down] 

Mes. Iz yer de Kurnel? 

Col. Yes, Colonel Pennefather. [takes message; exit boy] I hope 
the Air business is all right, [opens message; bus] Muggles Bay 
Improvement and Air Transportation Co. — no good — plenty 
of air and water — standing depth — eight feet — good for oyster 
bed, Henry, [bus] Have I been sucked in again? Me, 
Colonel Chas. Pennefather? Well, I'll be blowed! And O'Donet 
has my consent to marry Belle and will leave for Texas in a 
few minutes at my request, [kicking himself] This is what I 
get for speculating. I'll stay home after this, I'm too soft a 
snap to wander alone. Yes, there's millions in it.] entering 
hotel] Yes, crabs, [exit; enter tramps] 
We are saved, [embrace] 

In a few short moments we sail for Texas — the land of pl'enty. 
[Walking back and looking off.] She's leaving the landing 
now. 

[Hand to stomach.] Sit still my heart. 
Will be on water at last. 
But not in it. 

[Bus.] To work and pack up. 
Yes our thoughts. 

The lights her© are lit, lantern stretched across lawn, etc, enter all 
from hotel, Colonel last with wraps, shawls, etc., and stands 
on steps. 

Col. Are you all ready. 

O'D. Yes everything is ready and a nice sail before we reach the 
steamer. 

Col. Right over the Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transpor- 
tation Co., I'll catch the sign as I pass O'Donet. [laughs] Ha! 
ha! ha! 

O'D. I haven't yet cashed the check Col. 

Col. Turn it over to Belle. [Boat heard to whistle, then the 
electric dance, after dance the boat is seen to heave too. Every- 
body rushes to boat.] 
Capt. Any body for Texas. 



T.'s 


1st T. 


2dT. 


IstT. 


2dT. 


IstT. 


2dT. 


IstT. 



^0 A SOFT SNAP. Act lH 

Col. Well I reckon, [all get on board, the tramps rush in just as the 

boat leaves.] 
T'ps. Two more gentlemen please. 
Count Float out on ze tide. 
O'D. Come in on the wind. 
John. Swim out — plenty of water. 
Col. Yes take the water its a soft snap. 
T.'s [Falling in each others arms] Dumped! Coldly dumped! [bus.] 

CURTAIN. 






COSTUMES. 

COUNT VICTOR DE B RACE UP-Dark gray clav worsted suit: 
long trook coat and double-breasted vest; black "shoes and soft 
gray hat. Act IL— Sack coat, Pepper and salt; low neck neglige 
shirt; brown leather belt; straw hat; tan shoes; a pair of German 
linen pants, white, mixed with a little blue— during exit for boxes 
change for specialty. Act IIL— Silk hat; long, fouz-button, black 
trock coat; light gray pants and patent leather shoes, with white 
over gaters. Change for Electric dance. 

MIKE O'DONET-Act I -Light gray business suit; straw hat; tan 
shoes. Act II.— Neglige shirt; gray yacht cap; black sack coat- 
dark b ue pants; tan shoes; black leather belt— during exit for 
boxes change for specialty. Act III.— Long black cutaway coat- 
black pants; patent leather shoes; black derby; then costume for 
Kilectric dance. 

COLONEL CHARLES PENNEFATHER-Act /-Solid suit of white 
linen; white panama hat, wide brim and roll; black shoes- puff 
bosom shirt; wear vest open throughout the act, button on last 
button. Act I.— Linen duster; straw hat; black vest and pants- 
puff bosom shirt, not open as in Act L Act IIL— Old style black 
Prince Albert suit, neat; vest open; black, soft felt hat. 

,^ , in^';Ughout acts wears his hair rather long, wavy and gray. 

MAILMAN— Regular mail service suit.. ^' •> ^ ^ 

TRAMPS— The most ridiculous shabby suits possible; skeleton coats- 
rags. ' 

MESSENGER BOY — Ordinary messenger service suit. 

LITTLE JOHNNIE— Act I— Brown sack suit. Act II.— Gray 
Norfolk jacket; white pants; tan shoes; straw hat. Act III —Blue 
pants; shirt sleeves rolled up to elbows; no coat or vest; slouch 
hat. Then change for Electric dance. 

ISABELLA LANSING— Act I.— Very eccentric bathing suit. Next 
change, double tucked skirt, rather gay; very eccentric stylish bon- 
net, with large bow of gay ribbon; red parasol, gay. Act II -Very 
eccentric seaside outing costume, cap,etc.; blue. Act IIL— White 
dress.; long- tailed sack, like a man's coat; vest, collar, tie, etc.- 
white parasol. 

^^oH./^^^^'N^' ALICE FIELDING, CLARA MASON and 
BELLE PENNEFATHER-Act I.-Solid white Empire gowns of 
of some soft material (silk); white shoes and white silk tights; 
neat white bonnets; underskirts, etc., with profusion of lace; 
Ihis costume to be very stylish and neat. Act II. Belle, 
full red dress, gay; red stockings, shoes, hat, etc. and parasol. 
Lulu, lavander. Alice, yellow. Clara, rose color. Empire gowns, 
very neat and plain; silk shoes to match, also umbrellas. Act III 
—AH wear blue sailor suits; cap and parasol; everything to match; 
black shoes. Then change for electric dance. 



STAGE SETTING. 

ACT I. 

Seaside — Horrison drop back. Set bath house, 4th groove c> 
marked on back, '-Baths, 25c." Table and bench, r, 2d entrance- 
Set hotel with steps 2d groove, l 2d entrance. Bench or settee, 1st 
entrance, l, under hotel window. Sign hanging, "Ye Mnllberry Inn." 

ACT II. 

Garden Scene — Landscape drop back; white painted picket 
fence, 4th groove. Open gate. Corn piled c r. Bench or settee, r o. 
Set house, r, 2d entrance. Set well, l, 2d entrence. 

ACT III. 

Same as Act I. Representing lawn with ba}'' instead of beach* 
Bath house removed, and Chinese lanterns huug ail over grounds' 
lit by electric globes. Boat landing seen. 



PROPERTIES. 



ACT I — Paper for Count. Whistle, lettters and bag for Mail- 
man. Pair of pants for TramT)s. Silk hat for O'Donet. 

ACT II — ^^Pail for Clara. Corn for quartette. Letter for Colonel. 
Two small paper boxes for O'Donet. One large box for Count. 
Cracker for Johnnie. Tricky plank for Tramps. Pistol shot for 
Count. Flags for well. Corn for Tramps. 

ACT III — Book for Isabella. Basket and tripe for Johnnie. 
Watch for O'Donet. False lips for Count. Message for boy. Whistle 
of boat. Wraps for Colonel. Effects for Electric Dance. Music for 
hotel. 






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